Retrieval #3

So after all this time I have decided to start a blog. It's been two years since this journey began... why is it that I now want to to start putting my experiences out there, for no one and anyone to find? Perhaps it is because of the amnesia that seems to blur my memory as I try to recall all I have been through... the details of my previous IVF cycles, what it felt like to be pregnant, the incredible anxiety I felt during the first part of the journey. I'd like to be able to look back and remember what I was thinking and feeling- and honestly, I am happy to share my experiences with anyone who may care to read them, either because they know me (and therefore they care) or they have experienced infertility and loss (and may resonate with some of my experiences). Regardless, here goes.

Today was my egg retrieval. After weeks of IVF drugs, starting with birth control pills and progressing to Lupron (to keep me from ovulating), to Follistim (to make my follicles grow), and finally HCG (to trigger the final stages of egg maturation)- this part of the process was finally complete. After 28 or so needle sticks, the day of reckoning had finally arrived. It's funny to me to think about how scared I was to do that first injection. After all I have been through, I fear much bigger things, much more horrific pain at this point. Makes a needle stick seem downright enjoyable in comparison! The experience was a bit of a rollercoaster, as my estradiol levels seemed to start out low and then skyrocket, and as a result I have been walking a fine line between having a strong, healthy response and ending up in the hospital with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. Fortunately, I was able to proceed with the retrieval without having to "coast", or go for a few days without meds, which can have a negative impact on the eggs (though it didn't seem to have any kind of detrimental effect on my first IVF!)

So Jeff and I awoke this morning at 6:30 am and at 7 am we were off to Raleigh, specimen cup in hand. It still amazing how routine, how normal even the most personal and private acts become when you are treated for infertility! We arrived at the clinic and I changed into a gown, and got prepped for my IV. We decided if we had more than eight eggs, we would let half fertilize "naturally", and the other half would be ICSI'd. We did this for our first IVF cycle, and had good results, so it seemed worth trying once again.

That decided, I went into the retrieval room (husbands are not allowed in, and as Dr. Couchman said, "he wouldn't want to see this, anyway!") and was remarkably relaxed as I lay down and rested my legs in the stirrups. The last thing I remember is asking the nurse if she had started the medication, because I felt wonderfully woozy... and before I knew it, I woke up, unsure as to what was real and what was a dream. I had evidently "come to" immediately after they finished the 15-minute procedure- was in a wonderful mood (as seems to be the case when I come out from under anesthesia- scary that I know by now what I "usually" do in these cases) - and was told they had retrieved thirteen eggs. Intially, the superstitious side of me was unhappy with that number (silly, I know) but then I decided it was a "baker's dozen", and as such, was OK.

I rejoined Jeff and whispered gleefully "I feel like I am high!" (If only they would give me some of those drugs for the moments when the uncertainty and anxiety creep in...) If I remember correctly, Dr. Couchman told me my eggs looked "good". I should hope so- because I felt as though someone had kicked me in the crotch, and then in the stomach. I guess in the new clinic, where they put patients "out" during the retrieval, they feel much more free to search more "aggressively" for any eggs that might be hidden in your ovaries (as opposed to the way it was done at Duke, where they told me "won't it be fascinating to watch this procedure?" and then had to deal with all the flinching that resulted every time they poked the needle into unthinkable places... ouch...) Anyhow, they must have had quite an "egg hunt" with me today.

So, my eggs placed in the hands of the (hopefully highly capable) embryologist, we headed home, where I passed out for a few hours and then went to work. Yes, I know I could have stayed home, but I figured that I was going to be sore whether I was sitting on the couch or sitting at my desk, and as such, I might as well save my hard-won PTO hours for a more pleasant occasion (like my trip to Boston in early October!)

So now, the anxiety and uncertainty sets in. How many eggs will fertilize? Did we make the right choice about only using ICSI on half the eggs? Will at least two of our embryos make it to day 5? In the past we have done a day three transfer- and we won't be able to decide whether to take it those critical two extra days until day 3. I will be overjoyed if we have two embryos to transfer on day 5 - anything else will be icing on the cake. That said, a 3-day transfer had good results for us the first time, so that may not be a bad option either. Perhaps you can see how easy it would be to drive yourself absolutely nuts thinking about this!

What I can say is that, for now, it is nice to know that it is "out of my hands". For the next few days at least, all I can do is trust the professionals to take good care of those "maybe-babies". And even after I "re-gain custody" of those embryos- I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to influence the outcome of this cycle. It makes me realize how much of a miracle this whole process of creating life is. Whether you do it the "good ol' fashioned way" (I hear some people still do it that way...) or whether the miracle involves incredible technology and a team of doctors, nurses, and embryologists... at the end of the day, it is out of all of our hands, and the work of a force so much greater. And yes, it is nothing short of a miracle.

So, I wait and hope and try to have faith in this all-powerful life force. I do believe that Jeff and I will be parents one day. I also hope that I will not have to wait too much longer for that day to arrive. For now, I eagerly await the "fertilization report", and prepare myself for the next step, whatever that may be.