1st trimester = invasion of the body snatchers!

I realize that it has been over a week since my last post. I am happy to say that I have recovered from the 80's debacle, but honestly, I had forgotten how exhausting the first trimester of pregnancy can be! I feel as though I am running on maybe 20% of my usual energy, and even the simplest activities are exhausting. I have found that I am able to function if I get 10 hours of sleep at night, and take two naps a day, one at lunch and one after work. Needless to say, that leaves little time for anything else, but I know that this phase will pass and before I know it I will feel more like myself again. So for those of you whose calls or emails I have not returned, please don't take it personally! I spend the vast majority of my time outside of work asleep. In addition to the fatigue, I started experiencing morning-noon-and-night sickness about ten days ago... not bad enough to cause vomiting, but it ain't much fun. Cream of Wheat is my new best friend, and it seems to be the one food I can tolerate without fail.

I will be 7 weeks on Thursday, and on Friday, I will go in for an ultrasound. As of my last scan, on Wednesday, there were two embryos- one that looks very healthy and one that may or may not make it. I should have a better sense of what to expect after Friday. Honestly, I will be thrilled with either one or two healthy babies, and trust that what is meant to be will be. It's hard not to feel anxious about the risk of miscarriage during the first trimester, but I do know that every day brings me a little closer, and am grateful to have made it this far.

So, I will post an update on Friday for sure, and hopefully will have a picture or two by then. In the meantime, I am busy with the McKinney Halloween party plans and trying to keep up with my sleep schedule!

A quote I like...

This has no particular implications for anything happening in my life currently... but I came across this quote and wanted to share it.

"You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden, but you will grow if you are sick, in pain, experience losses, and if you do not put your head in the sand, but take the pain and learn to accept it, not as a curse or a punishment but as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose."

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1926-2004)
Psychiatrist

High anxiety...

It's Sunday morning, and I am feeling the effects of the 80's party I coordinated in Raleigh last night. Aside from McKinney events, I DO NOT plan to do that again any time soon (unless for a friend or family member- totally different scenario!) I feel as though I put HOURS of work into pulling this event off on a relatively tight budget, and in return, I received some of the worst treatment I have ever experienced. Maybe I have amnesia in regards to many of my catering jobs in Boston... but somehow I have never felt so belittled. I will NEVER put myself in a position where I am exposed to that again if I can avoid it. Unfortunately, I think it is par for the course in the event planning realm- and I want nothing to do with it.

I am also acutely aware of the potential impact of the stress of that experience on this hopefully-developing pregnancy. I spent at least two days with adrenaline pumping, terrified of an overlooked detail or some other snag. I ran from shop to shop. I stayed up until all hours bagging M&M's and mounting posters.

And so now, on the eve of my first ultrasound, I am terrified that this stress could somehow harm the life in side of me. Rationally, I know that at this stage of the game, we are talking about a grain of rice that has largely unaffected by the things I do. I mean, a woman fell out of a plane when she was at this stage of pregnancy, and went on to have a healthy pregnancy! This was far less traumatic, physically and mentally. But perhaps I am beginning to learn about the boundaries that I will hopefully have to put in place over the next eight months- I can't allow myself to be in risky situations, period, at least those that I can avoid.

I also know that part of this is that I am very anxious about the ultrasound tomorrow. I want so badly for us to cross this next hurdle- to establish that there is a healthy fetus or two in my uterus, where it should be. And there is a paranoid part of me that thinks that I have more control over that outcome than I do- in reality, I have none. Somehow I want to think that if I do everything "right", and am completely "careful" (meaning that I spend as much of my time being inactive as I possibly can) that it will be OK. And again, I know that is not true at this stage, later, it will be, but for now it is a matter of allowing development to take its course in a tiny but hopefully rapidly-growing being.

24 hours from now we will know whether this is happening, and in the meantime, I am going to enjoy the fact that yesterday is OVER and will NEVER be repeated, pregnancy or no pregnancy.

A quick update...

I am exhausted, so this will be very short. We got my beta results back yesterday, and they were 3434! This is nice and high (higher than I would have expected!) and so now we wait for our first u/s on Monday, when we will find out if there is one or two in there. I'm just grateful to have made it this far... one day at a time!

Entering the next phase of the journey

I realize it has been quite a while since I have posted an update. I'll jump right in and say it... I am pregnant! Part of me is scared to say it too loudly, for fear of somehow jinxing myself. But about a week ago, one week after my transfer, I woke up at the crack of dawn and took not one but two pregnancy tests- one was a digital and one was the ol' fashioned, two line variety. Both turned positive very quickly. To say I was excited would be a massive understatement. I went in to see the Dr. Couchman for a bloodtest, and HOORAY- my HCG level was already 139, which was nice and strong considering how early it was. I think she was almost as excited as Jeff and I! Two days later, I had test #2, which should show doubling numbers if this is to be a healthy pregnancy. They had gone up to 338 - so more than doubled!

It was torture not to be able to post the good news last week. But Jeff and I were heading to Maine for an early Thanksgiving with my family- mom and dad, Mer and Jed, Patrick, Laurie, and Jenny and Adrian. I really wanted to have the chance to give them the good news in person. So, I managed to keep my mouth shut and fingers off the keyboard for three long days.

Maine was wonderful. It was a truly perfect fall weekend- warm and clear, and the house we rented (though the decor was not our style!) was located on a really pretty lake, complete with canoe and paddleboat. We ate well, played games, visited Booth Bay, and just caught up. It was a much-needed break, and we all really enjoyed the time together. Now that it is as few and far between as it is, I realize how precious this time together is. I was happy to be able to share the good news in person. I am all too aware of how early it is, but these are the people (as well as those who might be reading this blog!) who I would want to know if something were to go wrong... and who will be celebrating alongside me should things go right.

So, tomorrow I go for my third "beta" (HCG / blood pregnancy test), and if things are progressing as they should be, the level of HCG in my blood will fall between 1200-2400. If so, I'll be done with blood tests and I will schedule my first ultrasound for next week. At this point, we will be able to see if the pregnancy is in my uterus, and how many fetuses there are. Normally doubling numbers mean that the chance of ectopic is much lower, so if tomorrow's numbers are as expected, I think I will be able to breathe a big sigh of relief. If not, there will be alot of close monitoring to follow.

I don't have a sense at this point of whether there might be one or two babies in there. There are, of course, pluses and minuses to both. For the next nine months, a single pregnancy would be much easier on my body. For the next three years at least, one pregnancy would certainly be easier. But given that Jeff and I definitely want more than one child, and getting pregnant has not been the easiest task- a "two for one" would not be the worst thing in the world, by any stretch of the imagination!

So, I continue to have faith that what is meant to be, will be. If one or two of those embryos are meant to become our children, they will... and if not, I will hope to find a place of acceptance and patience.

The blessing and the curse of infertility and pregnancy loss is that the experience of pregnancy is never characterized by the innocence and unbridled excitement that accompanies the experience for those for whom pregnancy comes more easily. In its place, however, is the deepest and most profound sense of appreciation for each step, each day, that moves you closer to your goal of having a child. It is absolutely impossible to take this miraculous (and scary) process for granted.

Life: more than the sum of its elements

I find it hard to go through this process without thinking about the nature of life and creation. It's not that I intend to go off on some philosophical rampage, but I do have to wonder about the factors outside the realm of the biological that play into the creation of life. I mean, this cycle we have all the "ingredients"- two perfect embryos, a healthy uterine lining, all the nutrients a growing embryo could possibly ask for. Add it all up, and you should get a pregnancy, right? Unfortunately, I know it is not so simple. Each of the two embryos has a 50% chance of implanting, if we are to trust the statistics. So there is at least a one in four chance that I will NOT end up pregnant, assuming that all of the above is "true" (and I am not going to delve into the subjective nature of truth at this point). So why is that? Is there a purely biological reason? Is it a chromosome gone haywire, a mishap in the implantation process, a hormonal blip? Maybe, but I can't help but wonder if there is a spiritual element at play as well. I believe that all life is energy, pure and simple- energy that is captured in our bodies, and ultimately returns to its source, or is channeled into new manifestations, when this physical life is over. Is there some sort of divine plan that is at play- whether you call it God's will or fate or cosmic order? And if so, how does this intersect with our own attempts to control the creation (as in assisted reproduction) of life? I have to believe that our ability to control this process is, at least to some extent, limited by forces that are perhaps beyond our consciousness or awareness. Is it possible that there are children who Jeff and I are "meant to have", or do we just believe that whatever children we end up with are of course the ones who are meant for us? I mean, on a deep, fundamental level I believe that IF I am meant to be pregnant at this time, if those two or one of those two embryos are meant to become our child(ren), that it will happen. And if not, it will be for a reason, and one day I will look back on this experience, along with the others, and know it was "all for a reason". I know it sounds cliche, and that perhaps there would be people who would suggest that this is an attempt to cope with pain and loss, to find meaning in the most unfair and cruel of experiences. But the thing is, I really do believe that each of my experiences of loss- most significantly the loss of our twins, but also my early miscarriage and ectopic, have been for a reason. That I have grown up in the past two years, that I have evolved, that I have moved closer to a place of appreciating motherhood than I EVER could have had I not faced these challenges. I have no regrets- and have a sense of deep respect for the process of life and spiritual evolution, and see an amazing wisdom. Maybe this is why I feel a sense of trust that is hard to explain or justify that if it is meant to be, it will be, and if it is not, there is a reason. I don't pretend to know what on earth this reason might be, but it is out there. Perhaps I need to do more work on myself before devoting myself to others. Perhaps we are meant to adopt children. Perhaps those two embryos are simply not destined for life as our children. I don't pretend to know... all I can be sure of is the fact that even the most difficult of battles in my life have turned into spiritual blessings, and for that I am grateful.

I have found myself thinking about the pain, anger, and bitterness that most women who experience infertility feel. Of course, it is all justified- how can something that comes so easily to 90% of the population be our lives greatest struggle? But then again, another part of me wonders if we make this pain worse by feeling justified in expecting to have our needs and desires fulfilled when and in the way we expect them to be? No one ever said being a parent was meant to provide self-fulfillment, first and foremost. Being a parent is allowing yourself to be a part of something SO much bigger and broader than your own needs and wants! Perhaps it might be easier to start BEING a parent before even getting pregnant, and realize that you are simply an instrument for a force that has little to do with your own timetables, needs for identity fulfillment, or the image you have had of what your life would or should be like?

Does this sound harsh? I hope not. I just can't help but think we can end up making a difficult situation even worse by bringing to the table expectations that really don't make a whole lot of sense in the first place. We're taught all of our lives that they make sense- that we are ENTITLED to certain experiences and realities, parenthood certainly one of them. But parenthood is not about US, it is about the miraculous creation, nurturing, and development of life. It seems that being able to release some of our expectations of being able to harness, control, and own this process might both make the process less painful and also make us better parents in the long run.