Entering the next phase of the journey

I realize it has been quite a while since I have posted an update. I'll jump right in and say it... I am pregnant! Part of me is scared to say it too loudly, for fear of somehow jinxing myself. But about a week ago, one week after my transfer, I woke up at the crack of dawn and took not one but two pregnancy tests- one was a digital and one was the ol' fashioned, two line variety. Both turned positive very quickly. To say I was excited would be a massive understatement. I went in to see the Dr. Couchman for a bloodtest, and HOORAY- my HCG level was already 139, which was nice and strong considering how early it was. I think she was almost as excited as Jeff and I! Two days later, I had test #2, which should show doubling numbers if this is to be a healthy pregnancy. They had gone up to 338 - so more than doubled!

It was torture not to be able to post the good news last week. But Jeff and I were heading to Maine for an early Thanksgiving with my family- mom and dad, Mer and Jed, Patrick, Laurie, and Jenny and Adrian. I really wanted to have the chance to give them the good news in person. So, I managed to keep my mouth shut and fingers off the keyboard for three long days.

Maine was wonderful. It was a truly perfect fall weekend- warm and clear, and the house we rented (though the decor was not our style!) was located on a really pretty lake, complete with canoe and paddleboat. We ate well, played games, visited Booth Bay, and just caught up. It was a much-needed break, and we all really enjoyed the time together. Now that it is as few and far between as it is, I realize how precious this time together is. I was happy to be able to share the good news in person. I am all too aware of how early it is, but these are the people (as well as those who might be reading this blog!) who I would want to know if something were to go wrong... and who will be celebrating alongside me should things go right.

So, tomorrow I go for my third "beta" (HCG / blood pregnancy test), and if things are progressing as they should be, the level of HCG in my blood will fall between 1200-2400. If so, I'll be done with blood tests and I will schedule my first ultrasound for next week. At this point, we will be able to see if the pregnancy is in my uterus, and how many fetuses there are. Normally doubling numbers mean that the chance of ectopic is much lower, so if tomorrow's numbers are as expected, I think I will be able to breathe a big sigh of relief. If not, there will be alot of close monitoring to follow.

I don't have a sense at this point of whether there might be one or two babies in there. There are, of course, pluses and minuses to both. For the next nine months, a single pregnancy would be much easier on my body. For the next three years at least, one pregnancy would certainly be easier. But given that Jeff and I definitely want more than one child, and getting pregnant has not been the easiest task- a "two for one" would not be the worst thing in the world, by any stretch of the imagination!

So, I continue to have faith that what is meant to be, will be. If one or two of those embryos are meant to become our children, they will... and if not, I will hope to find a place of acceptance and patience.

The blessing and the curse of infertility and pregnancy loss is that the experience of pregnancy is never characterized by the innocence and unbridled excitement that accompanies the experience for those for whom pregnancy comes more easily. In its place, however, is the deepest and most profound sense of appreciation for each step, each day, that moves you closer to your goal of having a child. It is absolutely impossible to take this miraculous (and scary) process for granted.