Living through uncertainty...

Nothing new to report today- I am settling into the strange reality known as the "two week wait" - a stretch of time that seems to go on forever. Whereas in the past I think I have vascillated between crazy excitement over the possibility of pregnancy and the sheer terror of a negative outcome, now I am in a different place. While I feel alot of hope that this will work, and I can't help but feel a little of that "Christmas Eve and I can't sleep or think of anything else" anticipation, I honestly am not scared of a negative pregnancy test. I know there is nothing to be scared of- I have been through it before, and know I will feel sad and disappointed. But, I will move forward as I have done before, and focus upon other parts of my life that have to be put on hold during this process. There is no empty space that I will struggle to fill- because over the past nine months, I have realized that I needed to create a meaningful life that is sustainable no matter what happens on the rollercoaster ride of infertility. I can't sit around and wait for another pregnancy, or a baby, to fill a void in my life. It's not healthy for me emotionally or spiritually. So the anticipation of waiting for the results on Wednesday is more like waiting to find out where I'll be going to college- it is a sense of wonder about what the next chapter will hold. It may hold a pregnancy, it may not. Each outcome brings a different set of problems, and a different set of opportunities. I've long since let go of the illusion that pregnancy or a baby will somehow fulfill my life completely- don't get me wrong, I know it will be WONDERFUL, and I also know it will be the hardest thing I have ever done.

So, I am eager to know a little more about what will come next for Jeff and I. No matter what happens, I know that I am incredibly fortunately, and I know that I will make the most of it. If I am not pregnant, there is much I want to do in the meantime. If I am pregnant, there will be a long journey of uncertainty ahead- but I think I am ready for it.

Now back to waiting.