High anxiety...

It's Sunday morning, and I am feeling the effects of the 80's party I coordinated in Raleigh last night. Aside from McKinney events, I DO NOT plan to do that again any time soon (unless for a friend or family member- totally different scenario!) I feel as though I put HOURS of work into pulling this event off on a relatively tight budget, and in return, I received some of the worst treatment I have ever experienced. Maybe I have amnesia in regards to many of my catering jobs in Boston... but somehow I have never felt so belittled. I will NEVER put myself in a position where I am exposed to that again if I can avoid it. Unfortunately, I think it is par for the course in the event planning realm- and I want nothing to do with it.

I am also acutely aware of the potential impact of the stress of that experience on this hopefully-developing pregnancy. I spent at least two days with adrenaline pumping, terrified of an overlooked detail or some other snag. I ran from shop to shop. I stayed up until all hours bagging M&M's and mounting posters.

And so now, on the eve of my first ultrasound, I am terrified that this stress could somehow harm the life in side of me. Rationally, I know that at this stage of the game, we are talking about a grain of rice that has largely unaffected by the things I do. I mean, a woman fell out of a plane when she was at this stage of pregnancy, and went on to have a healthy pregnancy! This was far less traumatic, physically and mentally. But perhaps I am beginning to learn about the boundaries that I will hopefully have to put in place over the next eight months- I can't allow myself to be in risky situations, period, at least those that I can avoid.

I also know that part of this is that I am very anxious about the ultrasound tomorrow. I want so badly for us to cross this next hurdle- to establish that there is a healthy fetus or two in my uterus, where it should be. And there is a paranoid part of me that thinks that I have more control over that outcome than I do- in reality, I have none. Somehow I want to think that if I do everything "right", and am completely "careful" (meaning that I spend as much of my time being inactive as I possibly can) that it will be OK. And again, I know that is not true at this stage, later, it will be, but for now it is a matter of allowing development to take its course in a tiny but hopefully rapidly-growing being.

24 hours from now we will know whether this is happening, and in the meantime, I am going to enjoy the fact that yesterday is OVER and will NEVER be repeated, pregnancy or no pregnancy.