Yet another quote I like...

“If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.” Anonymous

This speaks to me...

The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

1st trimester = invasion of the body snatchers!

I realize that it has been over a week since my last post. I am happy to say that I have recovered from the 80's debacle, but honestly, I had forgotten how exhausting the first trimester of pregnancy can be! I feel as though I am running on maybe 20% of my usual energy, and even the simplest activities are exhausting. I have found that I am able to function if I get 10 hours of sleep at night, and take two naps a day, one at lunch and one after work. Needless to say, that leaves little time for anything else, but I know that this phase will pass and before I know it I will feel more like myself again. So for those of you whose calls or emails I have not returned, please don't take it personally! I spend the vast majority of my time outside of work asleep. In addition to the fatigue, I started experiencing morning-noon-and-night sickness about ten days ago... not bad enough to cause vomiting, but it ain't much fun. Cream of Wheat is my new best friend, and it seems to be the one food I can tolerate without fail.

I will be 7 weeks on Thursday, and on Friday, I will go in for an ultrasound. As of my last scan, on Wednesday, there were two embryos- one that looks very healthy and one that may or may not make it. I should have a better sense of what to expect after Friday. Honestly, I will be thrilled with either one or two healthy babies, and trust that what is meant to be will be. It's hard not to feel anxious about the risk of miscarriage during the first trimester, but I do know that every day brings me a little closer, and am grateful to have made it this far.

So, I will post an update on Friday for sure, and hopefully will have a picture or two by then. In the meantime, I am busy with the McKinney Halloween party plans and trying to keep up with my sleep schedule!

A quote I like...

This has no particular implications for anything happening in my life currently... but I came across this quote and wanted to share it.

"You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden, but you will grow if you are sick, in pain, experience losses, and if you do not put your head in the sand, but take the pain and learn to accept it, not as a curse or a punishment but as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose."

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1926-2004)
Psychiatrist

High anxiety...

It's Sunday morning, and I am feeling the effects of the 80's party I coordinated in Raleigh last night. Aside from McKinney events, I DO NOT plan to do that again any time soon (unless for a friend or family member- totally different scenario!) I feel as though I put HOURS of work into pulling this event off on a relatively tight budget, and in return, I received some of the worst treatment I have ever experienced. Maybe I have amnesia in regards to many of my catering jobs in Boston... but somehow I have never felt so belittled. I will NEVER put myself in a position where I am exposed to that again if I can avoid it. Unfortunately, I think it is par for the course in the event planning realm- and I want nothing to do with it.

I am also acutely aware of the potential impact of the stress of that experience on this hopefully-developing pregnancy. I spent at least two days with adrenaline pumping, terrified of an overlooked detail or some other snag. I ran from shop to shop. I stayed up until all hours bagging M&M's and mounting posters.

And so now, on the eve of my first ultrasound, I am terrified that this stress could somehow harm the life in side of me. Rationally, I know that at this stage of the game, we are talking about a grain of rice that has largely unaffected by the things I do. I mean, a woman fell out of a plane when she was at this stage of pregnancy, and went on to have a healthy pregnancy! This was far less traumatic, physically and mentally. But perhaps I am beginning to learn about the boundaries that I will hopefully have to put in place over the next eight months- I can't allow myself to be in risky situations, period, at least those that I can avoid.

I also know that part of this is that I am very anxious about the ultrasound tomorrow. I want so badly for us to cross this next hurdle- to establish that there is a healthy fetus or two in my uterus, where it should be. And there is a paranoid part of me that thinks that I have more control over that outcome than I do- in reality, I have none. Somehow I want to think that if I do everything "right", and am completely "careful" (meaning that I spend as much of my time being inactive as I possibly can) that it will be OK. And again, I know that is not true at this stage, later, it will be, but for now it is a matter of allowing development to take its course in a tiny but hopefully rapidly-growing being.

24 hours from now we will know whether this is happening, and in the meantime, I am going to enjoy the fact that yesterday is OVER and will NEVER be repeated, pregnancy or no pregnancy.

A quick update...

I am exhausted, so this will be very short. We got my beta results back yesterday, and they were 3434! This is nice and high (higher than I would have expected!) and so now we wait for our first u/s on Monday, when we will find out if there is one or two in there. I'm just grateful to have made it this far... one day at a time!

Entering the next phase of the journey

I realize it has been quite a while since I have posted an update. I'll jump right in and say it... I am pregnant! Part of me is scared to say it too loudly, for fear of somehow jinxing myself. But about a week ago, one week after my transfer, I woke up at the crack of dawn and took not one but two pregnancy tests- one was a digital and one was the ol' fashioned, two line variety. Both turned positive very quickly. To say I was excited would be a massive understatement. I went in to see the Dr. Couchman for a bloodtest, and HOORAY- my HCG level was already 139, which was nice and strong considering how early it was. I think she was almost as excited as Jeff and I! Two days later, I had test #2, which should show doubling numbers if this is to be a healthy pregnancy. They had gone up to 338 - so more than doubled!

It was torture not to be able to post the good news last week. But Jeff and I were heading to Maine for an early Thanksgiving with my family- mom and dad, Mer and Jed, Patrick, Laurie, and Jenny and Adrian. I really wanted to have the chance to give them the good news in person. So, I managed to keep my mouth shut and fingers off the keyboard for three long days.

Maine was wonderful. It was a truly perfect fall weekend- warm and clear, and the house we rented (though the decor was not our style!) was located on a really pretty lake, complete with canoe and paddleboat. We ate well, played games, visited Booth Bay, and just caught up. It was a much-needed break, and we all really enjoyed the time together. Now that it is as few and far between as it is, I realize how precious this time together is. I was happy to be able to share the good news in person. I am all too aware of how early it is, but these are the people (as well as those who might be reading this blog!) who I would want to know if something were to go wrong... and who will be celebrating alongside me should things go right.

So, tomorrow I go for my third "beta" (HCG / blood pregnancy test), and if things are progressing as they should be, the level of HCG in my blood will fall between 1200-2400. If so, I'll be done with blood tests and I will schedule my first ultrasound for next week. At this point, we will be able to see if the pregnancy is in my uterus, and how many fetuses there are. Normally doubling numbers mean that the chance of ectopic is much lower, so if tomorrow's numbers are as expected, I think I will be able to breathe a big sigh of relief. If not, there will be alot of close monitoring to follow.

I don't have a sense at this point of whether there might be one or two babies in there. There are, of course, pluses and minuses to both. For the next nine months, a single pregnancy would be much easier on my body. For the next three years at least, one pregnancy would certainly be easier. But given that Jeff and I definitely want more than one child, and getting pregnant has not been the easiest task- a "two for one" would not be the worst thing in the world, by any stretch of the imagination!

So, I continue to have faith that what is meant to be, will be. If one or two of those embryos are meant to become our children, they will... and if not, I will hope to find a place of acceptance and patience.

The blessing and the curse of infertility and pregnancy loss is that the experience of pregnancy is never characterized by the innocence and unbridled excitement that accompanies the experience for those for whom pregnancy comes more easily. In its place, however, is the deepest and most profound sense of appreciation for each step, each day, that moves you closer to your goal of having a child. It is absolutely impossible to take this miraculous (and scary) process for granted.